No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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