dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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