hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Pooping to opera.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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