i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
