I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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