So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
