She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize