I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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