I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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