bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
