she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
