So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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