hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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