nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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