Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We were destined to go to rehab together
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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