He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
