I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
