if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
