Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
