why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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