y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You did what with his pubic hair?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
