I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
