accomplished twins. life is a go
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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