How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
