No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
