just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize