Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
