last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Houston, we have a blender
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
