I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
be right there i have to get my cape
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
