I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
