i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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