I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
