need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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