I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
They took my balls.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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