I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize