Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Randomize
