Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
