Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
