Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
