SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
