theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize