Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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