So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
