New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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