Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
