All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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