im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
