Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
