Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
