Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
