I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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