highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
