we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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