Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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