Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
