I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
