I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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